The Golden Crew is back from a short hiatus — read: Tom turned 50 and somehow scored a birthday video from Mick Foley himself (all thanks to Jenn, naturally). We kick things off with a brand-new game Madison cooked up: A Free Cruise, But… Trevor, Tom, and Jenn each get their fate dealt, and before it's over Jenn has adopted an emotional-support seagull named Patricia and Tom is doing the nine-deck bathroom climb forty times. Play it yourself at games.section29.com and tell us what outcome you got.

On the actual news front: Half Moon Cay is now RelaxAway Half Moon Cay, complete with a brand-new pier (open as of June 1), a tram around the island, and bars one through six waiting on you — assuming the pier's short enough to stagger back from. We also dig into the Carnival data breach that hit six million people (800,000 of them Texans, and somehow not Trevor, who is furious he can't join the class action), plus word that Christine Duffy will be aboard the next FSS sailing in February 2027.

We take a more serious turn to talk about a young woman who lost her legs on a Carnival-approved excursion — a heartbreaking story, and a real reminder to vet your excursions, read the reviews, and never assume "booked through the cruise line" means risk-free. (Credit to cruiseradio.net for the reporting.)

Then it's straight back to the chaos: a Reddit legend who swallowed a diamond to smuggle it off the island, an "Entitlement of the Seas" cruise hack that absolutely does not work, and a Weekend at Bernie's tangent we accept no legal responsibility for. Plus a Speak Pipe from Brando, who's sailing out of New York to Canada on the Venezia — on purpose, this time.

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Two weeks away and the Golden Crew comes back swinging — through some technical chaos that briefly ejected Tom from his own show (we're fine, he's fine, the audio's mostly fine). 🚢

On this episode: Mexico shuts the door on Royal Caribbean's "Perfect Day Mexico" in Costa Maya, and Trevor delivers a Spanish-language performance so cursed it should've been the lawsuit. Speaking of lawsuits — the Havana Docks case against Carnival, Royal Caribbean, Norwegian & MSC (correction noted, Future Trevor came to the rescue!). Costa's now charging a 60-pound cleaning fee for sneaking buffet food back to your room, so Tom's revealing his armpit-transport technique. Barcelona's doubling port fees, and we break down how it stacks up against Greece, Hawaii & friends. Plus: Princess demagnetized the medallions and Jenn's Thanos gauntlet dreams are DUST.

Tim from Australia checks in via Speakpipe (still no Powerball luck, mate), Jenn's mom is skipping the birthday barbecue, and Tom unveils his airtight plan to keep Mama Kennedy on the ship at Celebration Key. Sisters, lean in.

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Remember — anything that happens on the ship stays on YouTube. 🛳️

The Golden Crew is BACK after a week off (sorry Tom, your mom's move was worth it) and we are loaded down with cruise news, speakpipe love, and one very questionable tattoo conversation.

First up — Tom's mom has officially landed in Tulsa, which means Tom is now headed to Dallas because apparently you CAN have too much of a good thing. He's got 60 days, a two-bedroom apartment, and presumably no noisy ceiling fan to sit under (yet).

Then we get into the heavy stuff. There's a real situation unfolding aboard the M/V Hondius near Cape Verde — three deaths, multiple severe illnesses, and a hantavirus outbreak that's sent even the responding doctor home sick. Trevor breaks down what we know so far (this is developing, so things may have changed by the time you hear this), and Tom reminds everyone that the Black Plague WAS, in fact, transmitted by mice. Educational AND terrifying. The Kennedy household hantavirus deterrent system (a cat) was also very vocal during this segment.

In happier-ish news, Carnival's VIFP terms of service are changing September 1st, and Trevor has STRONG feelings about the folks out there opting out as a protest. Spoiler: opt in. Trust us. Don't slam the door on Papa Carnival just because you're mad. Also, MSC, if you're listening, we are absolutely available.

Tom is officially considering a Margaritaville tattoo, and we need your help. Send your tattoo suggestions to our Facebook page — clean OR dirty, Madison doesn't care — and Madison (that's me, hi 👋) will whip up AI images of Tom rocking your suggested ink. Bonus points if anyone can finally convince Trevor to commit to that Harry Potter lightning bolt he's been threatening for years.

THREE speakpipes this week! Tim returns with more "Powerball numbers" (Trevor is still convinced he violated the temporal prime directive), Brando is BACK after a long absence with a 1992 Powerball number that'll definitely still work, and Catherine swung by for our 5-year anniversary love (and to gently confirm that no, Trevor, The Notebook is not a time travel movie). It's about letters. In a mailbox. Through normal mail.

We close out with the new Carnival dinner menu (pork chops 3 of 7 nights — Trevor is THRIVING), an appetizer-sized portion of ribs and mac and cheese spotted on John's FFS cruise that has us questioning what "appetizer" even means anymore, and the FRGC4 countdown clock ticking down to 135 days.

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You are unique, you are special, and you are loved. ⚓