According to Jim Wilder, narcissists are those who cannot metabolize shame in a relational way. What do you do when you’re confronted? Do you shift the blame, counterattack, or get defensive? A great key to transformation is learning to process shame and take responsibility both with people you’ve wronged and with God.

Proverbs 28:13 Our tendency is to conceal our transgressions (sins against other people). We don’t want to face the music. We’d rather cover it up. Why? We don’t want to feel guilt and shame.

Genesis 3:8-13 Avoiding shame is part of the human condition. Right from the beginning, Adam and Eve shifted the blame rather than taking responsibility. Although we may gawk at their obvious immaturity, many of us do the very same thing when we are confronted.

Genesis 4:3-9 Likewise, even after God worked with Cain to understand why his sacrifice was not accepted, Cain went on to murder his brother. When God confronted him, he lied to God’s face. This landed him in a world of consequences and alienation from God.

2 Samuel 12:1-15 Perhaps the greatest example of accepting intense shame, King David shows us how to do this after Nathan confronted him for adultery and murder.

Matthew 26:31-35, 75 Peter, too, provides a sterling example of someone who metabolized his shame and made it through the other side. Although he had denied Christ, he was able to find a path back.

1 John 1:8-2:2 Even after we’ve accepted responsibility for wrongdoing, we should also take the time to get right with God. Doing so involves confession and repentance. Thankfully, God promises to forgive and cleanse those who come clean to him.

1 John 2:28 Ultimately, we have two choices at the coming of Christ: shame or confidence. Which would you rather have?

If we are open to improve, the Scriptures will guide us and God’s family will help by providing the example and godly reproof and correction as needed. There are two types of mourning or shame; (1) Godly and healthy, and (2) Worldly and toxic. The first inspires change and the second causes resentments, guilt, condemnation and escapism.

2 Timothy 3:15-17 doctrine – reproof – correction

Proverbs 12:1; 15:10 the person who hates reproof is stupid

Matthew 19:16-22 the rich man was not open to improve

1 Kings 12:1-19 Rehoboam did not receive wise counsel

2 Corinthians 7:8-11 the Corinthians received reproof and correction and changed. Right sorrow can cause transformation and change.

Two kinds of sorrow – (1) Godly sorrow causes godly change and (2) Worldly sorrow causes guilt, isolation, condemnation and usually escapism.

Biblical education and godly community are important to develop conscience and character.

1 Corinthians 6:2, 3, 9, 15, 16 Paul taught them during the 18 months he was with them so why the negative lifestyle change? The culture of Corinth continued to exert a strong influence on the believers. Rather than transforming their society, many of the saints were being shaped by it. The values, practices, and attitudes of the surrounding pagan culture had begun to infiltrate the church, producing the very problems that Paul was compelled to confront in his letter.

How do we help others to change? Two kinds of shame – toxic and healthy

1 Corinthians 1:1-9 he built them up, did not belittle, tear down, reject; rather he loved them and reminded them of who they really are in Christ.

Luke 10:17-24 Jesus is the example

Luke 10:38-42 Martha, Martha

Hebrews 10:22-25 we need the word and each other

If we are open to improve, God will help through His Word and people.

Rev. Vince uses the Bible version NASB-95

Ḥesed is God’s steadfast covenant love and faithfulness as revealed in His character, His promises to Israel and David, and ultimately fulfilled in Jesus Christ. Because God has shown us this loyal love, He calls us to reject empty religion and become a ḥesed-shaped people who faithfully love Him and one another.

The Hebrew word ḥesed describes God’s steadfast, covenant love: loyal, merciful, faithful, and kind. God’s ḥesed calls us not only to receive His love and faithfulness with confidence, but also to practice the same kind of loyal love toward Him and one another in the church.

Exodus 34:6–7 — God reveals Himself as merciful and gracious, abounding in covenant faithfulness (ḥesed).

Deuteronomy 7:9 — God faithfully keeps His covenant faithfulness (ḥesed) across generations.

Psalm 136 — The ḥesed psalm: God’s ḥesed endures forever.

2 Samuel 7:11b–16 —God’s loyal love (ḥesed) is expressed in God’s covenant promise to David’s house.

Luke 1:68–75 — Jesus as the fulfillment of God’s covenant faithfulness (ḥesed).

Hosea 6:6–7 — Essentially, God is saying, “I do not want empty ceremonies from people who are betraying Me in their heart. I desire ḥesed.”

Micah 6:8 — To love ḥesed is to love covenant loyalty. It means we do not treat our relationships with God as a convenience or something to discard when it doesn’t align with our desires.

Ruth 1:16 — “For where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge; your people are my people, and your God is my God.”

Galatians 6:1–2 — A ḥesed community is one filled with loyal, gentle, burden-bearing love and faithfulness.