There is someone in your life you love deeply who is struggling. And you know things that could help. You can see the path forward. Every instinct you have says — do something. Fix it. You know how. And you have to let them find it themselves.

That tension — between knowing and releasing, between loving and controlling — is what this episode is about. Not because control makes you a bad person. But because the need for control has a history. And understanding that history is the first step toward loosening the grip.

In this episode I cover:

Where the need for control actually comes from — and why for most of us it has nothing to do with power and everything to do with safety

How control shows up in unexpected places — the home, the food, the routines, the children's struggles — and what all of those have in common

My mother's kitchen — the rigid routines I hated growing up, what I now understand about why they existed, and how I took on my own version of control in different domains

What over-fixing actually teaches children — and why productive struggle is not the enemy of healthy development, it is the mechanism of it

Learned helplessness — what researcher Martin Seligman found happens when children are repeatedly rescued from challenge, and what that costs them as adults

The honest reckoning — what I did for my children, what I now see as the cost, and what stepping back looks like even now

Three generations of control slowly loosening — and what it means to trust the next generation to find their own way

The difference between control and safety — and why one is an illusion and the other is the actual work of healingThis episode closes with a box breathing practice — because box breathing is itself an act of choosing what you can actually control. Your breath. The count. The pause. Nothing else. That is the whole metaphor of the episode lived in the body.

CONTENT NOTE This post discusses trauma, family systems, and emotional healing. If anything here brings up strong feelings or memories, please take care of yourself and reach out for support. In the U.S., you can call or text 988 toreach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline — free, confidential, 24/7. If you are outside the U.S., international crisis resources are available at findahelpline.com. You do not have to navigate this alone.

ABOUT THE SHOW The Fan in the Window: Interrupting What We Inherit is hosted by Tressa L. Bell, MBA, BSN, RN — author, podcaster, registered nurse, and former forensic nurse. This podcast is about trauma, nervous systems, generationalpatterns, and the complicated, imperfect work of healing. Each episode blends personal story with research-backed frameworks to help you recognize and interrupt what you inherited — so the next generation doesn't have to carry ittoo. This didn't start with you…but you can interrupt it.

GET THE BOOK 📖 The Fan in the Window: How We Inherit Trauma — And How We Interrupt It. Available now on Amazon → amazon.com/author/tressalbell. A companion self-help book is also in the works. Stay connected for updates.

FOLLOW TRESSA 🌐 Website: thefaninthewindow.com 📸 Instagram: @tressalbell 👤 Facebook: tressalbell 🎵 TikTok: @tressalbell ▶️ YouTube: tressalbell 🐦 X / Twitter:@tressalbell39905 📩 Substack: tressalbell.substack.com 💼 LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/tressa-l-bell-31830440a

LISTEN & SUBSCRIBE 🎙️ Apple Podcasts 🎙️ Spotify 🎙️ iHeart Radio 🎙️ YouTube 🎙️ Substack New episodes every Tuesday. If this episode resonated, please leave a review on ApplePodcasts — it takes less than two minutes and helps new listeners find the show.

DISCLAIMER This post is not therapy, medical advice, or psychological treatment. Tressa L. Bell is not your therapist. Content is for educational and informational purposes only. Please seek professional support if you are experiencing amental health crisis.

This didn't start with you…but you can interrupt it. 🪟