I made a list.

Four marriages worth of lists actually.

One could reasonably say that I sucked at finding the one to love, the one with whom all of life could be truly shared.

Four marriages.

Four divorces.

How in the actual fuck did I even think that a fifth was possible and not end up like the other four? Out. Of. My. Everlasting. Mind.

Right?

But you see, I still believed, despite all of the shit that I thought about myself, was that the right person with the right qualities was “out there.” And together, we would figure out the relationship from there.

Together.

Didn't work.

Until…

This episode is about what I finally asked myself instead — what if I stop focusing on the person and start defining the relationship I actually want? And what if I go even further back than that and ask who I need to be to participate in that relationship honestly?

I talk about the sexual abuse and what it did to my ability to be intimate with another person. About the litmus test disclosures — giving someone just enough to see if they recoil before you give them the real thing. About learning the hard way that preemptive disclosure doesn't work and that trusting yourself means trusting the timing.

I didn't know Sharon existed when I made my list. I didn't know what year she was born or what her skin looked like. I just did the work on myself and defined what I actually wanted honestly for the first time. And then she showed up.

I don't know how that works exactly.

I'm just telling you it did.

The free workbooks are at www.theloveofyourlifetime.com.

Start with The Mist. Everything else follows from there.