Am I The Problem? cover art

Am I The Problem?

Am I The Problem?

By: Helen Villiers MA
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You grew up neurodivergent in a toxic household. Now you can't tell if you're the problem, if you're overreacting, or if the thing you're upset about is even a thing. You apologise for existing, you can't say no without a panic attack, and you genuinely don't know what you want for dinner. Am I The Problem? is a podcast for late-diagnosed ADHD and autistic adults working out what got installed wrong when neurodivergent wiring met an emotionally abusive or narcissistic family. Each week, host Helen Villiers takes one specific glitch, the apology reflex, the inability to know what you actually feel, the panic when you try to set a limit, and reverse-engineers it. What the neurodivergence is doing, what the trauma is doing, and what to actually do about it. Mostly no, you're not the problem. Sometimes, a bit. Either way, here's the mechanism. Helen Villiers is a psychotherapist with ADHD and co-author of You're Not The Problem. She specialises in adults raised by narcissistic and emotionally abusive parents, particularly those also navigating ADHD, autism, and late diagnosis. Topics include alexithymia, masking, the fawn response, executive function, emotional dysregulation, interoception, hypervigilance, people pleasing, learned helplessness, identity rebuilding after toxic parenting, and the specific challenges of parenting neurodivergent children when you're neurodivergent yourself. Is This A Thing? is the paid companion show, available on Apple Podcasts Subscriptions or included with Core tier membership and above inside The Hub, Helen's ND inclusive membership community for people recovering from emotional abuse, find it at liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub. Released in seasons of 12 episodes. New episodes weekly while we're in one, breaks in between to come up with the next.

helenvilliersliberation.substack.comHelen Villiers Hygiene & Healthy Living Personal Development Personal Success Psychology Psychology & Mental Health
Episodes
  • 5. Why You Can't Say No

    5. Why You Can't Say No
    Jun 17 2026

    Someone asks for a favour. A colleague wants help. A friend needs something. Before you’ve even decided what you want to say, your body has already started preparing the yes.

    Not because you’re weak. Not because you’re naturally a people pleaser. Because somewhere along the way, saying no became associated with danger.

    If you grew up in an environment where autonomy was punished, disagreement was unsafe, or your needs were treated as evidence that you were selfish, saying no can trigger a genuine threat response. This episode explores how shame, hypervigilance, neurodivergence, and conditioned fear combine to make even reasonable boundaries feel frightening.

    Resources mentioned:

    Lisa Feldman Barrett’s work on predictive processingRussell Barkley on ADHD emotional dysregulationResearch on conditioned fear responses and threat prediction

    Go deeper:

    The companion episode of Is This A Thing? explores the science of threat conditioning in more depth, including how fear responses are learned, why they persist long after the original danger has passed, and what the evidence says about changing them. Available on The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub

    Aperio Profiles:

    Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works.

    aperioprofiles.co.uk



    This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe
    Show More Show Less
    26 mins
  • 4. What Do You Actually Want?

    4. What Do You Actually Want?
    Jun 10 2026

    You stand in the ready meal aisle for ten minutes. You change your coffee order every time. Someone asks what you fancy doing at the weekend and your mind goes oddly blank.

    Not because you’re easy-going. Not because you don’t care. Because somewhere along the way, you stopped trusting your own preferences.

    If you grew up in an environment where your likes, dislikes, wants, and needs were ignored, mocked, overridden, or treated as a problem, learning what you actually prefer can become surprisingly difficult. This episode explores how toxic family dynamics, masking, and neurodivergent processing can combine to disconnect you from your own preferences and leave you constantly searching for the “right” answer instead of your own.

    Resources mentioned:Research on self-concept clarity and childhood adversityLaura Hull’s work on masking and camouflagingResearch into autistic masking, identity, and mental health

    Go deeper:The companion episode of Is This A Thing? explores masking, camouflaging, and performance in more depth, including why years of adapting to other people’s expectations can leave you disconnected from your own identity and preferences. Available on The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub

    Aperio Profiles:Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works.

    aperioprofiles.co.uk



    This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe
    Show More Show Less
    24 mins
  • 3. The Apology Reflex

    3. The Apology Reflex
    Jun 3 2026

    Season 2, Episode 3: “You Apologise For Existing”

    You apologise before you ask a question. You apologise when someone bumps into you. You apologise for taking too long, talking too much, needing something, wanting something, or simply being in the room.

    If you grew up in an unpredictable environment while also being neurodivergent, apologising can become much more than politeness. This episode explores how the apology reflex develops through survival learning, autistic rule-based social processing, ADHD impulsive guilt cycles, and chronic self-abandonment.

    Helen breaks down why “just stop apologising” is genuinely ineffective advice, why the reflex is often trying to reduce anxiety rather than express remorse, and how reassurance-seeking can quietly keep the cycle alive long after the original threat has gone.

    Resources mentioned:Joseph LeDoux on threat processing and the amygdalaDaniel Kahneman’s System 1 processing modelRussell Barkley on ADHD behavioural inhibitionResearch on behavioural conditioning and anxiety reduction

    Go deeper:The companion episode of Is This A Thing? explores the behavioural psychology behind coping behaviours in more depth, including why removing a behaviour without replacing its function often makes anxiety worse rather than better.

    Available on The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub

    Aperio Profiles:Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works.aperioprofiles.co.uk



    This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe
    Show More Show Less
    27 mins
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